Responsibility

Responsibility

I recently updated the Style of Therapy page to describe a little of my unique style of therapy. I realized that I have never fully documented my style, which I call "Responsibility Therapy". Over the next few months, I plan to publish a few blog posts that explain how I understand the concept of responsibility and how it is frequently misunderstood and misappropriated in ourselves, our relationships, and our society.

Everyone has a concept of responsibility, and we are rarely shy about sharing our perspectives. We chastise our kids for not taking responsibility for themselves. We claim to have too much or not enough responsibility. We try to avoid responsibility when things go wrong, but we want credit (i.e. acknowledged responsibility) when things go well. We talk about holding others, especially politicians and CEOs, responsible for their actions, but we feel defensive and ashamed when others talk of holding us responsible.

The general rule of responsibility is that everyone must take their fair share. Unfortunately, we have such difficulty agreeing about what constitutes a fair share that we create conflicts and develop such shame around disappointments and missed expectations. We also mistakenly believe that responsibiility must be fair, when there is no way for it to be. A child can't have the same responsibility for self-care that an adult has, but a child can have some amount. An adult who is married with children will have a very different set of responsibilities than a single adult with no children. That's not to say that single adults have less responsibility than married adults with children, but they have a very different kind of responsibility. That difference leads to disagreements, whether between coworkers, spouses, or parents and childen. Disagreements like these are often at the root of external conflicts and internal angst.

As you work with others through disagreements and missed expectations, pay attention to how those disagreements may relate to differences in understanding of responsibility. Perhaps it's not a question of who has more responsibility but how each side understands their responsibility.

I hope to have other posts soon that further expand on these ideas.